Frequently Asked Questions
This sounds like witchcraft. Are you witches?
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We don’t like labels. We do know that we are powerful beings, and that karma, plus powerful beings, plus a sprinkle of sorcery, is a delicious and effective combination.
What exactly are these hexes?
They run the gamut, from small vexing annoyances to full-on week-ruiners. There are all types of hexes in every flavor. Have you seen our hex list?
I’m not seeing a hex that’s right for me. Can I customize a hex?
Absolutely. You know your target best. Just let us know what you’re after. Choose Custom Hex and add your desires in the comments.
These hexes seem like small potatoes. My ex is straight up garbage. I want him/her/them hit by a midtown bus.
That is illegal and brings with it ramifications none of us are prepared for. We are not hitwomen or hitmen or hitpeople. And anyway…simple, irritating hexes, the kind that linger and vex are far more satisfying, and mostly guilt-free. We don’t physically harm people or animals or plants or whatever. Maybe we’d kill a spider plant or a favorite succulent they’ve kept alive since college. But that’s it.
This sounds like those revenge glitter bomb things you can get. Is it like that?
Not really. While we understand that glitter goes everywhere and can be annoying to clean up, it’s nothing like (for example) getting your junk caught in a zipper. A hex is mystical and fun and satisfying (for you, not them) and has less environmental impact than glitter, which can’t be recycled. Also, unlike say, sending a glitter bomb, your recipient receives no physical proof or hint it came from you. In this way, only you know the source of their vexation, which brings with it a certain private thrill.
What will I get as proof the hex has been put on my target?
Once your hex has been performed, we will send you a custom designed ticket endorsed and notarized by one of our associates. Each ticket plays a critical part of a specific ritual, during which your hex is cast at the intended target. In addition to the ticket, enclosed in your packet you will find a short biography of your hex administrator indicating their particular skills and credentials. We will also include this FAQ, printed on elegant papers, for reference. The tickets themselves are a satisfying size and pleasing to look at and serve as receipt of a dirty deed done (pretty) dirt cheap. Because of this, some of our customers choose to keep the ticket as a keepsake. If for you, getting rid of, or destroying the ticket serves as a type of closure, we certainly understand. Whatever you do with the ticket, do take a moment to touch it and know that because of you, a mean mistreater has had (or is about to have) an entirely dreadful day.
Can I hear more about this ritual you do?
No, it’s private and trademarked.
I don’t need a hex personally, but can I buy a hex for a friend whose ex is a serious shithead?
Of course. And what a good friend you are. We all need friends like you. We can send the hex ticket(s) to you, or directly to your friend, with a message letting them know that a dear friend (that’s you) has placed a hex on their behalf. There is a place to indicate a gift note should you like. And during check out you can send the hex to the address of your friend. They will be delighted. Other friends give flowers or buy shots of tequila to console a heartbroken friend. Very few send hexes.
I feel like maybe this isn’t healthy. Wishing harm on someone else and so on. What’s that saying about holding onto anger…
...Is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die? Yes, we’ve heard that one too. First, you aren’t holding onto anger, you’re making sure it is properly delivered in the form of a hex. It’s quite different. And second, why would you drink poison?
What if the hex doesn’t work and I hear my recipient is having a super great life, with no weird rashes or hairs in their burritos?
You will not hear about those things because why would they tell you? They want you to think everything is peachy keen. You won’t hear about their war with bedbugs or how they passed gas audibly in an important meeting. But it happened, or it will. Maybe even tomorrow.
I’m a little worried about being involved in the occult.
We know sorcery can be scary and hexes sound dark and worrying, but like Lady Macbeth once said, when her mealy-mouthed son was having doubts: “screw your courage to the sticking place.”
Do you offer a guarantee?
It is important to keep in mind that our lawyers have advised us that there is significant grey area in the realm of casting hexes and proving delivery of said hex to the intended target. With that we must bend to their will and tell you that this is an entertainment site. And what, after all, is more entertaining than schadenfreude? Remember too that there are no guarantees in life. Most likely, that is in keeping with why you have arrived here, at the Hexes for Exes Emporium: someone you thought was good and lovely has let you down. At this moment, you are thinking of that person. You are not alone; we are thinking of them too. We know what they did and we are appalled and affronted on your behalf. It is with this fervor that we cast our hexes at your target. Rarely do they miss.
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